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The First Snow

/ Alex Whitehall / Leave a comment

We had our first real snow today. I think we had some flicks of snow earlier this month, but today it snowed on and off all day. So the ground is wet (but no where near whitening). So this is my first day of snow…

I love falling snow. The gentle drift of flurries, the strange “pounding” of a hard storm, I love them. I love standing in an open field in a storm so hard that all you see is white (and half stalks of corn from the harvest). I love looking up, watching the light flurry drift to my face and then vanish in my warmth. I even love it when a few flakes slip past your layers and brush your neck, giving you a burst of cold in your bundled clothes.

I love the contrast of evergreens (both real and not) on white and red bows. I love when the snow is new fallen and I go to the barn and the fields are white and the horses are standing out in it munching on the hay or playing their lips in the snow. I love, on days I don’t work (or didn’t have school) pulling on boots and jeans and a warm jacket and walking before the paths are plowed, as if no one thought to walk this way before. Because for that moment, I was the only one.

I love the little secrets that tell you snow is coming, like when it’s cold and then the next day, the air isn’t so bitter. And there isn’t frost on your windshield. And the taste in your mouth when you breath deep. The taste of a snowflake, almost.

I love, bundled in my black pea coat, watching the snow flakes catch there and not melt, just hold on as if to say, “Take me where you’re going.”

I love how snow can make you feel all alone in the world, and it’s okay to be that way.

And I love in the spring, when the crocus are first to bloom and we get another snow, but they still blast their little bits of color through the white.

A word or two on my life

/ Alex Whitehall / Leave a comment

I realize some of this may be repeated from previous posts, but I prefer this blog to be more filled than my LJ blog, so this is my most recent post there:

Since my coworkers engaged me in Twilight and the rest of the series, I’ve been downing books like cheap wine. Since the beginning of the month, I’ve read Twilight, New Moon, Eclipse, Breaking Dawn (all of the Twilight series), Sunshine, and The Graveyard Book. I’ve also been finding time to write somehow in between all of this. Because working 8 hours, going to the barn (though my time is limited there since the dark and cold have set in), and reading books (often times in one day) didn’t give me enough to do.

The good thing is I haven’t wasted my brain watching television as much. I also haven’t been online, because I find I fare better if I use my laptop, in which I sit on my couch, turn on classical music and type. My laptop, which is older than is kosher these days, has been wiped of most things that would distract me. I don’t hook it up to the internet (though it’s capable), it only has the basic 4 Windows games, and it may have Gimp, but the inability to get images (randomly) to photoshop limits my abuse of that even. It’s nice, because I just sit and get absorbed in what I’m doing. Though sometimes when I wander back to my desktop and see my friends online I feel a bit sheepish.

On the other hand, writing is kind of a profession of mine, so it’s more like working a part time job, in which I’m sad that I might miss my friends a bit, but it’s for a good reason. And I enjoy it more than most part time jobs. Plus it has flexible hours. (Note, I know that part-time job is meant to be hyphenated, but I really didn’t feel like it at the moment.)

My current works are a collection of stories (not the collection of tales that are being formed on dA), the story of a girl beyond, and the story of a woman who finds love and life satisfaction but of course has to suffer first. My current book is Stiff, which is about how cadavers are used to help mankind (through science, etc). I’m not sure what drew me to it, but I saw it on GoodReads and I ordered it. When I’m finished, my review can be found there.

I think that about covers it all.

And then the sun rises

/ Alex Whitehall / Leave a comment

Ah, days off from work are luxury!

While I bought it a month and a half ago, and swore I wouldn’t read it (but would instead listen to it), I’ve begun reading The Graveyard Book and am about half done. Hope to be mostly finished by tonight.

It’s sunny, and I’d like to think lovely, though obviously cold. I kind of want to go to the barn and treasure days like this, but I also have this exhaustion that seems never ending some days. I imagine it’ll only get worse the darker it gets, but I don’t really want to do anything physically demanding at the moment.

Drowning in words

/ Alex Whitehall / Leave a comment


So I have this crazy idea to drown myself in words. Because if I don’t think about being alone (not just single, but alone), because if I feel like I’m doing something that might be worth something, it makes up for other things. Other parts in my life where I’m failing.

I know it won’t, but at least it distracts me for a while. It distracts me from lying in bed naked, just running my fingers over my body to think about a lover’s touch. To think about what evokes chills down my spine and yearning in my heart (not my pants).

It distracts me from imperfections and failures and all that rotten bits that sit at the bottom of my feet, but sometimes gets shaken throughout my body.

And then older male workers hit on me and I really just want to say, “Thanks, but I like girls.” But I can’t lie and I hate hurting people. But it doesn’t really do anyone any good. And I am just completely confused.

Sometimes it kills me to see my best friends with their boyfriends/girlfriends and feel so…not. Not attractive, not a pair. They never make me feel like a fifth wheel, though sometimes I feel like a third. But that can’t really be helped, since I am.

I’ve been listening to alot of classical music, which helps me write, at least for now. I’ve been itchy, like somethings crawling up my spine and I need to do something before it gets to my brain, but I don’t know what, so I just need to do everything–preferably at once.

I hope to start The Graveyard Book tomorrow.

For now, I’ll just go insane.

The Grand Adventure

/ Alex Whitehall / Leave a comment

Because obviously I have more important things to be doing, so instead I post here.

First off, I’m thinking of starting to make some cafe press things, but I won’t do it until I get a fair number of ideas. Just thought I’d throw it out there.

And for what you really came here for: Last night.

I went to work yesterday, even though I was sick and slept poorly. I went in early, hoping to leave early for the city, since 76 traffic sucks. However, halfway through the day I was practically asleep at my desk and bored enough to not stay awake. I went home and slept. Futzed around until it was time to go and then did the long drive into the city (it actually only took no more than 1 hour 30 min, which isn’t bad, considering). Hung out with my friend until it was time to go, in which his other friend drove us to the TLA. Ignoring that they had no water pressure (and thus the bathrooms couldn’t flush), it’s a pretty spiffy place. Kaki King in concert is very different from Kaki King on CD, and I don’t know if I prefer one to the other (I normally prefer CD). She had more energy and tempo and such Live, but I think her music comes across better as heard on CD.

After she played, she signed autographs (I got my ticket signed), and then we listened to the other band that was playing, the Mountain Goats. I might look into them, but not eagerly. They weren’t bad, but I’ll have to see what they are like a bit more to pass judgment.

We headed “home” after a stop at the Dining Car (which, it seems, has the best French Onion Soup). Got back to my friend’s around 12, stayed up talking until 2, and then conked out. I was already sick and exhausted, so the next morning I was just more so. We hung out, then I headed home (halfway it started raining). Then I conked out again. Awoken by my brother, we talked for an hour or so, then I went grocery shopping, which was thrilling*. And here I am now, sick, exhausted, thinking of the pile of shyt** I need to get done.

And something feels wrong. I don’t know what it is, but this morning I felt something sad happened, and now I just feel like something is off. Not unbalanced, but unaligned. :/ I guess we’ll see.

*it really wasn’t
**I don’t know why I spell it like this, I always have since I’ve been on the Internet

empty

/ Alex Whitehall / Leave a comment

I have this growth on my neck…

I’m pretty sure it’s a pimple pretending to be a tumor.

I’m sick with a cold, or some other similar malady, and I have…many*…dishes to wash, and my bathroom really needs cleaned. So a real update will probably come later today, though how quickly today is passing (1 already..) I have no idea. I’m supposed to ride tomorrow morning and I really just don’t feel like it, what with the sick. But I should, so I will.

* an understatement

and it begins

/ Alex Whitehall / Leave a comment

I’m getting sick. I’m not full blown sick (and I hope I can avoid it), but I have a sore throat and some nasal congestion (which probably caused the sore throat). And my brain is doing that thing where if I’m not concentrating on something (like typing) then my brain goes all floaty and I’m not aware of time passing.

Like what just happened when I finished typing that sentence and paused to think about something. My temp is only up 1 degree, so I’m not too worried about getting a fever, though if I were a normal human it would mean my temp was 99.6. As it is, my temp is only 98.5. But it normally is 97.5 (at the max) so you see where I’m coming from.

I haven’t gotten the third book yet, but hopefully today. I read Midnight Sun which was just a partial draft of a book she was planning. Now we doubt she’ll print it and all, but I think it’d be good if she did. Sucks that she was betrayed by someone like that though.

I’m going to go rage my pestilence on the world!

Neurotic to the bone

/ Alex Whitehall / Leave a comment

I didn’t want my last post to sound like I’m always depressed during this time of year. I’m just alot more depressed than normal during these long nights and cold, cold times.

However, I can still revel in the sunlight and the golden leaves that hang on the trees. And it’s moment like these, when I’m outside in the brisk autumn air surrounded by brilliant colors and the sun that I feel wonderful. So I treasure those.

On other, neurotic, topics, I’ve started reading the Twilight series. It’s one of those books that I’m becoming neurotic over, obsessive even. It’s not one of those books that is brilliant, takes my breath away and is life changing. But for some reason, the empath in me connects to them, and then I’m in and like some drug I can’t stop.

I was irritated all day because I was promised the third book and the person didn’t show and I realized I would have to wait another day. It’s like the shakes, it was terrible. And I’m reading through them as quickly as possible to make this feeling go away, because at the end there will hopefully be resolution, and this feeling in me can go away.

Other than that, I’m going to a concert on Friday, which should be fun, I hope. If anything, good company. More on that once I go.

Because I had all this energy last night from my addiction, and no drug to satisfy me, I wrote. I wrote a fair amount, nothing crazy. But by the time I finished I felt calm, like I had satisfied one craving with another, which was nice. And hopefully productive (cause the dishes sure as hell didn’t get done, and my clothes are all still in the pile where I left them).

I’m not really looking forward to today. Even if I get the book I’m supposed to, I’ll want to read it all day, and I can’t, I need to work. So I’ll rush home and read it, and then I’ll have to force myself to go to bed, which isn’t easy when I’m high on my drug. I’ll keep thinking “One more __.” I don’t have a crazy amount of work to do at work today either, which will make it worse because I’ll regret not taking off to read (even though if I take off then I can’t get the book, assuming the woman brings the book). Hopefully I’ll be given something to do that can distract me for 9 hours. I’m not sure if it’ll be worse to not have the book or to have the book and not be able to read it.

And I’ll shut up now, since I eventually have to get ready for work.

That Darkness

/ Alex Whitehall / Leave a comment

I love the autumn, especially October, and I love Halloween.
This year the season seemed to slip from summer into a brisk autumn that will only lead into winter. The leaves turned too abruptly, just like the weather, and then heavy rains dropped them to the ground before they had a chance to brighten the darkening sky.

I rise before the sun and set long after its last rays have faded from the faces of the buildings. The darkness just reminds me that for the next few months I’ll question everything, my joy, my life, my heart. And I’ll build a cocoon around myself, building the walls thicker and thicker through March, when I’ll start tearing the layers down, shedding winter clothes, until I emerge with the flowers and the butterflies.

I’ll stand in the sun’s warmth and smile, feeling the light fill me.

But there is a long darkness before then. November will be cold, but not lonely. December will be bitter. January will be dark. February will sap anything left. March will start to thaw with its stinging rain.

I can feel the darkness upon me.

As if I have money to spend…

/ Alex Whitehall / Leave a comment

So, in a splurge of spending a week (or so) ago, I bought things.

Some comics by an author I like, who is now self publishing.

An LGBTerrific shirt.

And an Air Gear set of figurines. Yes, I pretty much bought it for Ag/kito. It’s a random head drawing, and I got Akito, which is fine by me. But here are the pics I have, with mah shitty camera.
First, the group, hanging out on my laptop. It is actually a set of 5, but I dislike swimsuit girl.

And this is a close up, though more glared.
And here’s Akito, promoting brushing your teeth and mouthwash.
I believe clicks will lead to bigger images.