Neurotic to the bone

I didn’t want my last post to sound like I’m always depressed during this time of year. I’m just alot more depressed than normal during these long nights and cold, cold times.

However, I can still revel in the sunlight and the golden leaves that hang on the trees. And it’s moment like these, when I’m outside in the brisk autumn air surrounded by brilliant colors and the sun that I feel wonderful. So I treasure those.

On other, neurotic, topics, I’ve started reading the Twilight series. It’s one of those books that I’m becoming neurotic over, obsessive even. It’s not one of those books that is brilliant, takes my breath away and is life changing. But for some reason, the empath in me connects to them, and then I’m in and like some drug I can’t stop.

I was irritated all day because I was promised the third book and the person didn’t show and I realized I would have to wait another day. It’s like the shakes, it was terrible. And I’m reading through them as quickly as possible to make this feeling go away, because at the end there will hopefully be resolution, and this feeling in me can go away.

Other than that, I’m going to a concert on Friday, which should be fun, I hope. If anything, good company. More on that once I go.

Because I had all this energy last night from my addiction, and no drug to satisfy me, I wrote. I wrote a fair amount, nothing crazy. But by the time I finished I felt calm, like I had satisfied one craving with another, which was nice. And hopefully productive (cause the dishes sure as hell didn’t get done, and my clothes are all still in the pile where I left them).

I’m not really looking forward to today. Even if I get the book I’m supposed to, I’ll want to read it all day, and I can’t, I need to work. So I’ll rush home and read it, and then I’ll have to force myself to go to bed, which isn’t easy when I’m high on my drug. I’ll keep thinking “One more __.” I don’t have a crazy amount of work to do at work today either, which will make it worse because I’ll regret not taking off to read (even though if I take off then I can’t get the book, assuming the woman brings the book). Hopefully I’ll be given something to do that can distract me for 9 hours. I’m not sure if it’ll be worse to not have the book or to have the book and not be able to read it.

And I’ll shut up now, since I eventually have to get ready for work.

That Darkness

I love the autumn, especially October, and I love Halloween.
This year the season seemed to slip from summer into a brisk autumn that will only lead into winter. The leaves turned too abruptly, just like the weather, and then heavy rains dropped them to the ground before they had a chance to brighten the darkening sky.

I rise before the sun and set long after its last rays have faded from the faces of the buildings. The darkness just reminds me that for the next few months I’ll question everything, my joy, my life, my heart. And I’ll build a cocoon around myself, building the walls thicker and thicker through March, when I’ll start tearing the layers down, shedding winter clothes, until I emerge with the flowers and the butterflies.

I’ll stand in the sun’s warmth and smile, feeling the light fill me.

But there is a long darkness before then. November will be cold, but not lonely. December will be bitter. January will be dark. February will sap anything left. March will start to thaw with its stinging rain.

I can feel the darkness upon me.