As if sleep were an option at this point.

Last night was horrible.
To sleep would have been release, but I remained
ever aware of my pitiful state.

Last night was terrible.
The warmth only coming
from within.

Last night was unbearable.
To know it would be the longest
of the year.

Last night was futile.
Remembering how alone
we really are.

Last night was miserable.
Singing lullabies until I slept
tears still in my eyes.

This is not a poem, this is just me rambling in a poesy sort of way.
It’s especially cold today, I’m not sure if it’s because last night was so bad, or just the change in weather. But it’s cold. So very cold.

I know the dark is lifting now, each day grows longer.
And yet I can’t help but think how the dark is still growing all around me.

Drowning in words


So I have this crazy idea to drown myself in words. Because if I don’t think about being alone (not just single, but alone), because if I feel like I’m doing something that might be worth something, it makes up for other things. Other parts in my life where I’m failing.

I know it won’t, but at least it distracts me for a while. It distracts me from lying in bed naked, just running my fingers over my body to think about a lover’s touch. To think about what evokes chills down my spine and yearning in my heart (not my pants).

It distracts me from imperfections and failures and all that rotten bits that sit at the bottom of my feet, but sometimes gets shaken throughout my body.

And then older male workers hit on me and I really just want to say, “Thanks, but I like girls.” But I can’t lie and I hate hurting people. But it doesn’t really do anyone any good. And I am just completely confused.

Sometimes it kills me to see my best friends with their boyfriends/girlfriends and feel so…not. Not attractive, not a pair. They never make me feel like a fifth wheel, though sometimes I feel like a third. But that can’t really be helped, since I am.

I’ve been listening to alot of classical music, which helps me write, at least for now. I’ve been itchy, like somethings crawling up my spine and I need to do something before it gets to my brain, but I don’t know what, so I just need to do everything–preferably at once.

I hope to start The Graveyard Book tomorrow.

For now, I’ll just go insane.

decisions..

I want to curl up in bed tonight and not set the alarm.

Not worry about waking up tomorrow.

Not go to work.

Not have responsibilities.

I want to wake up tomorrow and restart my life, renew it, and make something great out of it.

But I guess that’ll all start when the alarm goes off.

Sweet dreams.