On Identity

I read a book recently that focused on avian shifters who lived (although the details were a little fuzzy) side by side with humans. The avians couldn’t shift until later in life and didn’t go through their first partial shift until about 18. At this point it would be judged what kind of bird they were and it would set their spot in society, their rank. Raptors on top, ducks on the bottom (um, no pun intended). All the birds have a symbol that represents their specie and once they’ve completed a full shift, the symbol is tattooed on the inside of their wrist. Not, as some think, to let everyone instantly know the rank of the individual, but, as a hawk explains, because once everyone was proud of their specie and the role they played in society.

Perhaps I’m getting off track. My real focus here is the use of the tattoo to mark the identity of the avian. A mark that instantly explains certain traits about the individual based on bird-type.

I’ve been curious about a tattoo on my wrist ever since seeing the Watchers in Highlander: The Series, but I’ve always been hesitant because it’s such a visible spot, it’s a sensitive spot, and I wasn’t sure what I’d get there. I know what I’d get there now. I’d get the mark of my specie.

What? You say I’m not an avian shifter? Good point.

Humans love to categorize things: Animal, mineral or vegetable? Mammal, reptile or bird? Primate, feline, or canine? Monkey, ape or human? Male or female? Hetero-, homo-, or bisexual? Beautiful, ugly or plain?

The problem is that some animals and all people don’t fit into their categories. In the first, we have the platypus. In the second, we have bikers who run charities, priests who molest children, and an assortment in between. You’re probably one and I’m one too.

I’ve always wanted to fit into a category, and maybe everyone feels this way, but I think it’s because I so very much never fit into one. In high school there wasn’t the conflict of “smart kids” vs. “jocks,” as we often had cross overs. In my high school, cliques existed, but they didn’t rule the school. We didn’t have to fit into categories, although there were still guides of the “cool kids” and the “not cool kids” although bullying happened to a lesser extent than we hear today. (Or maybe I was just that naive). The point is, there wasn’t a category I had to fit into, not that I would have anyway.

But I think it’d be nice if I could get a mark that would let everyone know who I am. I don’t care if I’m in a category by myself (as we probably all are), I just want someone to see the mark and say, “Oh, you’re ____.”

Of course, it doesn’t work that way.

One, we all vary so much that the categories are just stereotypes, that while they may apply to some things, won’t apply to everything and everyone in the category. So maybe the category is just to give an idea of what a person is, that would work, right? Especially if the category is something chosen by the individual and not something society has pegged the person as (black, gay, female, etc).

Two, there is no way to ensure that the chosen mark would be interpreted by everyone correct or the same way. Some may not bother seeing the symbol, just the tattoo and judge that. “Oh, that’s someone who gets tattoos in visible places.”

Three, I still don’t feel like I fit into a category. And if I did, what would my mark be? I don’t know (yet), which is why my wrists remain bare. One day I will have a mark, and maybe it will be a mark I’ll share with another. And we two can be a category unto our selves. And, no, no one else will know what it means, but the creature in my heart will know, and really, that’s all that matters.

Monday after Easter

Last week was exceptionally stressful, so I took today off, because yesterday, despite feeling miserable, I went with my family to visit my Grandmother. While I know my mother appreciated my efforts, I don’t think she understands how wretched I felt the whole time and I will never feel guilted into going again. Or at least not for a while.

And I finally used a Christmas gift card I had to Dover Saddlery to buy breeches, gloves and a fly mask. Sure it was a late Christmas present 😀

Quick update on new year’s resolutions: I meditate every week still, but my slouching efforts have been slightly forgotten. I’m doing good on the reading, for the most part, though my reading amounts have plummeted. Partly due to riding starting up again and partly due to my Netflix account.

In the writing arena, I’ve stopped making huge progress on my current WIP, which makes me sad and I wonder the reality of writing 5,000 words a week still for it, because I’d like to get it done. For CL, I did some clock research, because I’d like to work some more technical aspects in while I make changes to other elements of the story. But that’s been put to the side for the most part too, and I’m guessing I’m going to have to give myself deadlines again in order to get my butt in gear.

In two unrelated notes, I’ve been working out more recently and I’m contemplating getting a hysterectomy. That’s still just in the brain-considering phase though, since it’s obviously something I wouldn’t want to rush into. I just see no need for that particular organ as it causes me nothing but distress.

Now to spend my day off going for a run, writing, and reading. And if I want a downer, my current Netflix movie is Angels in America @.@.

I made a decision.

I’ve decided on something, something which may seem amazing to some of you.

I’m going to get rid of some of my books.

Now that you’ve gasped in amazement (or shock or horror or boredom), I’ll add that it probably won’t be a huge number of books (considering the number I own), but there will be a chunk. Most will be books I’ll never read again (or never read in the first place). Some will be old, some newer, some in good condition, some in poor.

I plan on offering friends and family first grab at the books, so if there is one that you’re interested in, you can get it before I dispose of the rest whether I sell them, offer them for trade on GoodReads, give them to goodwill or donate them to a library.

I will post the complete list once I’ve had a chance to go through the books I have in storage and I will alert all the appropriate people when that list is posted.

That is all.

Not too late, am I?

Resolution update 4.7:

Sitting up straight comes and goes. It’s easier on days I have energy, which didn’t include most of March. I still slouch like I’m gunning for a hunchback when I’m 50, though. I’m trying though, so there’s that. It helps that I’m trying to exercise more, which builds muscles and helps me sit up straight (I’d like to think).

I’ve begun doing stretching meditations, which at least work to get me doing it, although my focus on meditating is less. Although I’m focused on stretching, so it is sort of a meditation. Trying to work out what’s best for me and my noisy brain.

I may not have been reading as many non-romance books as I intended, but I am reading more of them, although they often still have a queer angle. I’ve also been reading more quality m/m romance novels instead of just trash. My to-read list of books I own/can access at the library is still over 60 items long. I’m working hard to not keep putting books on my birthday/xmas lists, but people keep coming out with new ones that are delicious sounding.

In Contrast to Burroughs

And I mean Augusten, not William.

I’m too lazy to dig up the articles that were previously posted about Burroughs and his autobiographies and how some people said they were made up. Some people got agitated and grumbley about it.

Then I read this.

My favorite quote: “Any writer has the right to shape materials, and undoubtedly Steinbeck left things out. That doesn’t make the book a lie.”

Now, obviously some of the flak Burroughs got was from the people he was writing about and how “he was telling lies,” but some people (and this is what I’d like to focus on) were upset because he lied in an autobiography.

Just seemed a study in contrasts at least.

Though, the quote above does make me think how much needs to change before an autobiography becomes a lie?

And can a book ever lie? (Assuming it’s not for educational purposes. I hope those don’t lie…too often.) I think something was said about books that ‘the truth the reader takes from them is the truth that the book held.’

Or something.

(Side note: if you try to figure out the correct quote in google by searching for “the truth of a book” you won’t find the answer, but you will learn that Jehovah’s Witnesses have something called The Truth Book and there is a book about escaping childhood abuse among them of the same name.)

Looking to the future…and the past

Every time I’ve been asked, “Where do you see yourself in five years?” I just stare at the asker, sort of stumped. It’s not that I’m a forward thinker, but I’m content with where I am. With what I’m doing. Thinking so far ahead makes me feel like I’m unhappy with where I am, which in turn normally makes me unhappy. I have long-term goals, but nothing concrete. They’ll come when I am ready for them to come.

Well, I’m ready, I guess 🙂

I have a two-year plan that by the time I’m 30 I’ll have at least one book published (not self published). Maybe not a big deal since I already have some books done, but then I read blogs from authors and I figure giving some flex might be nice. It’s going along with the overall plan of writing more.

Unrelated:

This weekend was an anime convention, which was fun, but had been sucking up all my time getting a costume ready for it. Today I rested, finished reading The Cat in the Cradle by Jay Bell, and slept a lot, plus worked hard to get stuff done around my apartment that had been pushed to the back burner. Breathing was nice.

I look forward to returning to the writing regime now that cosplay stuff is done. It also got me thinking about convention stuff and putting my money into it and everything. I don’t think I can actually stop going, because it’d be kind of antisocial of me, but I’m rethinking cosplay. It’s costly, stresses me out, and distracts me from other things I could be doing. Like writing.

It’s just hard, because I can talk to my friends about cosplay progression, but often talking about writing, when it happens, doesn’t provoke much discussion. While my friends support me, they aren’t really interested in it. Sometimes I feel my group of friends (myself included) are very self-focused people. We talk and have fun, but we never really listen to what the others are saying. It’s not bad and rude or anything, but sometimes it’s tiring. And it’s hard having different interests than them sometimes. I’m not a big talker to begin with. Thankfully my brother is a surprisingly awesome listener!

Have I mentioned that I have a tumblr account that posts creative jumping off points?

This was supposed to go up Monday..

We’re heading into the third month of the year, which means it’s time for a resolution update:

Reading more than romance novels: Err..I could probably be doing better with this one. I have read other books, and though they tend to have queer angles, they haven’t been romance in the traditional sense. But my reading has definitely been mostly romance, partially because I have a back log of those books, and partially because I get free copies to review. Free=good. After I finish my latest book, I’m going to try to get back on track with this!

Slouching: This is the hardest! When I’m tired, I slouch. When I’m focused, I slouch. I have reminders at work to not slouch, but it’s still a challenge. I’m trying though, which is all I can ask for!

Meditation: I’ve been meditating every Monday for at least a little. I’m probably cheating a little here, so I could probably work harder and doing it longer, but I’m sticking to it at least!

Writing, Writing, Movies

I have a writing question for the general audience…

I read a series of books and was kinda really into it. So I took the atmosphere of the books and pseudo location and pseudo characters and wrote long story. None of the characters/events/plots/locations are the same, but I think if someone read the same series I did and then read my work, they’d see the similarities. Does that make this story fanfiction and thus unpublishable (assuming I’d want to go that route)? My only concern is because the original series is kind of unique (I haven’t read anything like it before), that my story will appear as a huge copycat. I suppose one answer to my question is that because I’m questioning it at all shows that I shouldn’t try to publish at all. But I’d be glad to hear your thoughts on the matter.

Update on CL: The end of February was supposed to be finished editing so March could be trolling for publishers. Well, 1/3 of beta readers got back to me and the one who did said she didn’t buy the second half of the story and thus stopped halfway (she was also involved in moving, but would have stopped anyway). This was a concern of mine before, and she just confirmed it…but I also wonder if it could pass as a genre thing. I’m not sure how much experience she has in the genre, plus it could just be a personal preference.

The long and short of it is that I think the story has to go back into major rewrites…and I’m not sure how I feel about the ending anymore either. I’d still love for my other betas to get back to me, but I’m not holding my breath (February is a short month and I know they’ve both been busy with family plans and a new job). Though I’d love to hear if my writing was bearable to read or not.

So my original deadline is going to have to be scrapped. I don’t count this as missing deadline because I didn’t miss it due to procrastination, but due to the realization that I need major revisions. I’m going to take some time to consider where I want to head with it and then create a new plan. If I don’t see any solutions that make me happy, I may just send it off as is and see what publishers have to say.

ETA: I heard back from another reviewer who needs a few extra days. I’ll be looking at his commentary before moving forward to see how it fits in with what this other person said.

I created a tumblr account for creative inspiration. Every day I post a picture, a quote, a first line, or a concept on which to write a story. Plus there is a “random” option, so you can use it whenever! Feel free to check it out.

For those who follow me on Facebook, you may have seen that I finally caved and got a Netflix account. I’m currently on the 1-month-free trial, and I’m enjoying it. I’m actually considering cancelling my Comcast, since I don’t really watch TV except for Big Bang Theory. But then I consider all the hassle that is and maybe I should just keep both. But that feels wasteful. Anyways, the point is I get to watch more movies! So on Between the Covers I’ll add some bunches of movie reviews. (And yes, they’ll probably have a queer focus.)

Tattoo Cheese Books

In that order.

Saturday I went and got my tattoo. It didn’t hurt too badly, and I think the healing stage is the worst for me (so impatient!) You’d expect there to be a picture of my new tattoo accompanying this post. WELL, my camera software isn’t on my computer and I’m lazy. So there.

I organized a cheese party at work, in which I was introduced to Armenian String Cheese. It’s delicious. I also tried goat cheese for the first time (two different kinds), edam (pronounce ee-dum), champagne cheddar, and Dubliner (?). It was really cool to try new things, and I came home with a bunch of blocks that people didn’t want to take home with them, so if you’d like to try goat cheese, Dubliner or goat cheese (two different kinds), just ask!

Finally, one of my beta readers returned the book with comments. She seemed to enjoy it for the most part (I haven’t gotten to look through all the comments yet), but she said about halfway through she just couldn’t buy the one major event that happened and she lost her willingness to suspend disbelief. Which really just confirmed some thoughts I had on the matter. Of course, to fix the problem I’d either rewrite the second half or rewrite the whole thing. But I’ll wait for what the others say (assuming the read/review).

Also, I really need to NOT stay up past 1 am. Saturday I did just that and that’s when I saw my friend’s review and I just kind of broke a little. And then I started thinking “Oh God, this tattoo was a huge mistake and now I’m stuck with it forever.” Thankfully I had the sense to kick my friends out and go to bed. I woke up more stable, and by today I was perfectly normal (well, my definition of normal^.-) Still happy with my tattoo!