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A question of morals…

/ Alex Whitehall / 2 Comments

Uh..warning…some sexual topics are described below…so family may not want to read this? It’s not MY sex or anything, it’s about a book, but still.

Recently I read (in Looking for It by Michael Thomas Ford, in case you were curious), I came across an interesting (and horrible) situation, which made me take a moment to reflect.

The set up (briefly) is this: one man (who is hateful toward his own sexuality) beats two of his partner-for-the-moments, both requiring hospitalization. He often uses the phrase “faggot” or “fag” and is generally a jerk. More than a jerk.

Every time a chapter came up that he narrated, I skimmed it, because he was so hateful and angry that it nearly sickened me and I dreaded seeing what awful thing he was going to do (and likely do to one of the other main characters). However…

It came to pass that while his friend “slept,” he gave him oral sex, which his friend was actually at least a little awake for. So his friend comes over and tempts him with his penis (penis is very tempting, it seems), and after the man starts, the friend says he’s a “faggot”. The man gets offended by this and tries to stop, at which point the friend pretty much holds him down and rapes him (even if the man sorta gets off on it).

Every other chapter I hated this man and wanted nothing but bad things to happen to him, but once something bad DID happen to him (and one could argue he got what he deserved), I felt just as terrible for him as I felt for his previous victims. Perhaps I’m a giant softy. Maybe this is the normal human reaction.

I’m not saying I couldn’t raise a hand in the defense of myself or those I love. But I don’t think I could ever wish suffering on another. Not much horrible has happened in my life, so I can only suppose this could extend to those who have wronged me. Maybe when it came down to it, I’d be all “let me pull the switch!” but I just don’t know.

And those are just my thoughts.

PS. Why is “Ram” one of my labels?

Summertime and the livin’s easy.

/ Alex Whitehall / 3 Comments

When I was young(er), the Sublime lyrics “..in the summertime, the livin’s easy” felt true. At least until I was 15 and got a job, from which point every summer was working. Summer came to mean hard work, heat, sweat and no friends, through most of high school and all of college. Now that I’m in the real world and work all the time, summer is a time of longer days, different work clothes, and more sunshine. Of course, with the amiable weather, I’m enticed to venture out of my cave and participate in the world (as in, the horse world). Life isn’t so easy as hectic, and I think winter is when my “easy” time comes.

I’ve been listening to a podcast cohosted by J. Michael Tatum, who is a voice actor for some of the anime shows I watch. The basis of the show is that the two hosts (both voice actors) interview a guest (also a voice actor, although sometimes a director or engineer). Of course they often discussed being in the field of acting, how they had to take risks, how no job is really stable and that most just give you a false sense of security by being 9-5, when in fact you can be fired at any time. Hearing them talk about following their dreams, doing things they really love, and just DOING what they like, made me take a look at my own life.

This summer has not been easy on me. I’ve felt unmotivated and depressed for much of it, overwhelmed and exhausted for the rest. When I’m not goinggoinggoing, I’m struggling to relax and sink into reading or writing or television. While I’ve done plenty this summer (horses, writing, reading wise), I feel unsatisfied at where I stand. As if all my hard work hasn’t actually progressed me forward. It’s frustrating and saddening, and it needs to stop!

My point? I had a point? Oh, yes! I remember now…

There are only about two more months in which I’ll be riding four times a week, so my goal is to ride during those weeks and enjoy it while I can, before it turns bitterly cold and I’m miserable waking up twice a week to schlomp out in the cold (why do I do this again?). Step 1, enjoy horses while I can enjoy them.

Step 2 involves motivation. I was originally considering taking a language course at the local community college (Spanish or ASL, I was undecided). This would cost about $300 (after class fees and text book purchases). I figured it would be a good way to fill my time in the winter. As much as I do want to take a language, I need to do something productive first. I need to prove to myself that I can do what I want in life.

So step three involves sending something out for publication somewhere. I don’t care if it’s a short story, a tawdry romance, or an actual novel. I need to put polish on something and send it by March 31. I will be scheduling up baby steps for getting along that path, and I will have to find something to motivate me to stick to the schedule, but that’s the Plan.

Finally, in an afterthought sort of way…November is Nanowrimo, once again. I shall be participating, I’m fairly certain, and I have the beginnings of an idea brewing. However, I feel bad since my last Nano project was nearly abandoned once November was over. That’s not good 😦 If I decide to not actually do Nano, I may do something where I finish up last year’s project, which could fit it nicely with step 3.

We are all kings here.

/ Alex Whitehall / Leave a comment

I’ve just returned from my vacation (a mini-vacation, really) and exhausted…well I arrived last night. After a night’s rest (and an afternoon nap) and being protected by my guard dog (who is only more than a yard from me when I put up barriers), I feel a little bit more human.

Now that my vacation is over, I’ll have more time to work on those things that were pushed to the side in favor of sewing/crafting. Of course, we are already beginning to look into next year’s projects, but we have time (and time to change our minds). I just want to return to the groove of my life, but that cannot begin until I’m no longer under the protection of my guard dog. Ah well.

For a period of time early this year, I’d been writing alot of short stories, which was freeing, but also damning. I felt nothing much would come of them, except to share them with the internet (which…err…I’ll get to!) so I decided to cut back and instead focus on my longer works. I’m not sure it worked to my favor, but I also had other obligations arise (see vacation notes), so I suppose I still have to give it a chance. I also decided to participate in Shousetsu Bang*Bang’s next issue…so I actually have to write something for a deadline now. Which will hopefully kick start my sudden dry spell.

For now…adieu.

Scattered

/ Alex Whitehall / 2 Comments

My head is extremely scattered right now, so that I am having trouble focusing on what needs to get done and what I want to get done. Sometimes it feels rather futile, because no matter how much I get done there is always more that needs to be done.

My laptop is being difficult. I don’t know if it’s Ubuntu or the laptop, but it freezes (seemingly randomly). This weekend it froze every ten minutes, if that. I had to do a hard reboot (I think that’s the word for it). I’m trying to find solutions online, but I swear they are speaking a different language. Ever since the fiasco in Anaheim, my laptop has been a little wonky. Thankfully there is very little saved on it that is vital to my writing. I think I’ll back up everything I currently have, just in case.

I’ve been doing a lot of reading recently and a little writing. I feel like I should read higher quality books in order to improve my writing, but there are few high-quality books in the genre I’m currently devouring. And I want to read books I enjoy, it’s my time afterall, but I also worry that the stories I read influence the books I write which aren’t really mainstream (not that I’m writing for fame, but it’d be nice).

In order to spread my wings a bit, I’m going to start submitting to Bang*Bang, maybe, you know, if I don’t chicken out. Maybe it’ll encourage me to submit to real magazines, and real publishers. Once I have a completed piece.

Also, I was supposed to sew a suit jacket tonight and instead read half of Whistling in the Dark. Is anyone really surprised by this? Go ahead Soba, yell at me, I know I deserve it.

In which we grow up…

/ Alex Whitehall / 3 Comments

I had a moment of contemplation today.

While leaning back from an art project I’m working on, I sat on the couch, looking out the window at the afternoon sun and thought, “I’ve grown up.”

I have my own place, I have a job, I have my friends and hobbies and I take care of my own expenses. I am, by most definitions, a grown up. I have been for several years now. It made me laugh. Or at least a good chuckle as I sat there in my tank top and shorts working on a project that could be considered juvenile. It made me extremely happy that while I’ve grown up, I haven’t gotten old.

I then proceeded to need a tool for said crafting and realized I received a flier from the necessary store recently. 50% off, today only. That always makes for a charming evening trip.

Good evening.

Just thought I’d drop by

/ Alex Whitehall / 4 Comments

I realize I haven’t posted anything in a while…and I have (good) reason. [You can’t judge whether it’s a good reason once I’m through.]

Books

This morning I realized (and it’s what catapulted this entry), that I’m reading a very odd collection of books right now. First off The Art of Happiness, which is an interview with the Dalai Lama about finding happiness in life (mostly through compassion, so far). Going hand in hand with that is Sex God, which isn’t about sex as much as you’d think, but more about relationships and connecting with people (I’m drawing plenty of parallels between these two books).

Finally, I’m reading Deflowered, which is autobiography of Jon Ginoli (lead singer of Pansy Division), but is really telling about the creation, growth and life story of the band (with sporadic mention of when he gets laid). I’m not normally an autobiography-reading person, but I love PD and my friend said it was worth a gander. I’m just over halfway through (at which point I bought my own copy so I’d stop abusing my friend’s autographed one), and while it’s not good enough that I need to gobble it all up (too much band politics for me sometimes), I’m surprised how much I’m enjoying it.

So, I’m reading a Buddhist book about happiness, a Christian book about sex, and a queer book about music.

Freetime

Some people have mentioned that I seem to be a bit busy and unable to get things done that I should be getting done (like responding to discussion about books). What’s keeping me so darn busy?

First off, with spring comes romance…haha…no, with spring comes more riding time! I try to get out twice during the week and twice during the weekend, so it pretty much doubles the time I spend at the barn during the winter, plus, I’m more likely to hang around and help out, since I’m not cold and miserable.

Second, spring also brings about people wanting to have social lives. Aside from my normal Friday night gathering, my Saturdays are also sometimes filled with people being social.

Finally, words. Although I have three books listed as what I’m reading, that doesn’t count the other books I pick up randomly, the short stories I read online, the not-so-short stories I read online, and my own writing. Maybe not good excuses, but I enjoy participating in those, so :P.

Conclusion

I probably didn’t do a real good job of convincing anyone I’ve been particularly busy. But life just kinda happens, you know?

PS: Buddhism doesn’t make comment about homosexuality or anything, just says “To refrain from committing sexual misconduct.” So there is some freedom there, on exactly what that means. Of course, sex is a hinderance to enlightenment, so you should be avoiding it anyway…but moving on. The 14th Dalai Lama (current) said in 1997: “even with your own wife, using one’s mouth or the other hole is sexual misconduct.” Of course, this is just one man’s opinion, but he’s kinda a big deal. Of course, he says nothing about two guys loving one another (in the piece I found) but just no sex.

On Life, Beauty, and Gender

/ Alex Whitehall / 4 Comments

For psuedoLent I gave up chocolate and have been pretty faithful to the sacrifice, though I did have a piece of chocolate cake and a bite of brownie. That’s not really important, but I wanted to share.

Second, after hearing mention of a beauty regime in a book I was reading (Getting It by Alex Sanchez, for those who are interested), I realized that my mother never really gave me beauty tips when I was young, possibly because I wanted nothing to do with it. But really, boys and girls can have nice skin, which is all she would have needed to say to win me over (the characters in the book are all boys, and not all of them are gay). So I decided to attempt this beauty regime and see how it turns out (for those interested, it involves foaming cleanser, witch hazel and oil-free moisturizer). I’ve taken pictures to do “before” and “after” comparison.

Third, I guess…the books I’ve been reading. Still reading Be Last for the youth group and have added on The Art of Happiness “by” the Dalai Lama. Also, I took out Parrotfish from the library which is about a transgendered boy (as in, girl to boy) who is embracing the male side and all the struggles he goes through (a work of fiction, which has peaked my interest in nonfiction of similar, but haven’t settled on anything).

Coming from a rather conservative area, LGBT wasn’t particularly common (or spoken about) when I was a teen. I never really thought about it when I was in school, or if I thought about my attractions I kept them to myself. So when I went to college, my eyes were opened, to say the least. So I still feel like I’m trying to understand some things that other people have understood rather earlier in life, and I don’t know if that means I’m delusional about things or I’m finally coming to understand myself.

I won’t go into details, both because they are personal and because it would be rude (to my family) to make public announcements about things I’m not entirely sure of. Or something. The important thing is I love myself and am comfortable with myself, no matter who I become.

More Snow, Seriously?

/ Alex Whitehall / 2 Comments

As if the two feet we currently have sitting outside weren’t enough…more snow. This is only a few inches, so it’s nothing to write home about (but is enough to blog about, it seems). I feel like we’ve had more snow in February than we have had in the past two years.

In other news, my Chinese New Year party on Saturday went swimmingly. Although not everyone could make it due to snow/rescheduled flights, everyone who attended got along well enough and the food turned out edible, always a worry when you’re the one cooking. The downside is I’m still washing dishes from it, but that’s okay. I had a blast and I really am happy I followed through and didn’t have a panic attack.

Sunday, the day that shall not be name, was fine. I had a sweetheart ride with my sweetie and then napped. After baking brownies and cookies, I went to KFC with my parents and gave them their gifts. It was very laid back but highly enjoyable. Small things in life and all that jazz.

My sweetie.

In which I was productive.

/ Alex Whitehall / 3 Comments

I really shouldn’t be writing this post right before work, but here goes.

This weekend was very productive, working on a puzzle, cleaning (and I mean CLEANING) my apartment and some other things I can’t seem to recall at the moment. I felt really good about it, although the puzzle isn’t done yet and it kind of needs to be before Saturday. Working on it.

I scheduled an eye appointment for this Wednesday about two weeks ago, so of course a storm decides to make its way here. Thankfully my eye doctor was bright and pulled extra hours Monday and Tuesday and is going to close Wednesday. So I had my appointment yesterday and was blind all last night (probably shouldn’t have driven home..but it was only 1 mile). I wasn’t going to buy my glasses there but they were very nice and gave me a discount comparable to the coupon I had for WalMart. Assuming I was in the right frame of mind last night, I think I purchased cute frames too. But GADS are they expensive (for everything). My wallet hurts.

I tried some Genmai Chai (from Adagio) yesterday and did not enjoy it much at all. I think this will be given to a new home. This morning I’m trying Citron Green and it’s going over much better. B-Side, you should try my Spiced Apple Chai and tell me what you think.

I still have loads more cleaning to do for my Chinese New Year’s party and I’m hoping I’ll prepare enough food. I’m sure I’ll be fine.

Bazinga.

Not-a-Loser Saturday

/ Alex Whitehall / 1 Comment

Ignoring the fact that it’s 6 o’clock and I’m writing a blog entry, I’m not a complete loser, I swear.

Most of my time has been spent reading and writing when I’m not at work (or at the barn on weekends). Because I’ve been doing a fair amount (read: loads) of amateur reading on the interwebs, I decided that it wouldn’t necessarily help my writing, so I decided to pick up some books that are in the genre that I write, thus queer YA (although mine aren’t strictly YA or queer or “school stories”). Interlibrary loans are wonderful for this, because my town is not…well I don’t want to say they’re closed minded or anything, but they don’t carry many of these types of books. It kind of makes me wonder how hard it would be for a kid who is questioning to get a book out and read about kids going through this stuff. I wonder how many kids do anyway. Probably only the out ones.

So I’ve been doing loads of reading, and because it’s YA I finish it in a couple days (or a day) which gives me a great sense of accomplishment. I think after I finish the latest book I’ll have to put off more until I finish The Art of Happiness, which I’m looking forward to reading. Reading takes plenty of my time, but the time spent feels so much better spent than watching TV, reading things online, or whatever else I waste time doing. Writing is possibly the only thing that feels more productive, and right now I don’t know about that.

After I woke up from my afternoon nap, I had this deep, thought-provoking realization about my High School life and I was going to write about it. Then I realized it wasn’t really that great, just me realizing I was actually a huge loser in High School, but I acted all tough and pretended I wasn’t. I wonder what I looked like from the outside. I think alot of it had to do with not being able to (or not feeling safe to) talk about what I wanted/give my opinion. I feel less angry now that I’m open with what I want to say, although it’s still a challenge I’m overcoming.

I could probably go on and on about my feelings and such, but that seems boring. I hope everyone enjoys their Saturday.