dinner

Ramen packages are a couple’s meal. Per lil wrapped container there are two servings. You’re supposed to adorn it with protein and vegetables. I chose fish and pea pods. I split the ramen in half and it doesn’t seem as unhealthy. Though I then had to repackage what was left. It’s definitely a meal for two.

And so many things are. Those little desert cakes come with two in each wrapping, and you’re only supposed to eat one (according to guidelines). So where does that leave single people? Sharing with strangers or getting obese (well, a third option is to have lots of tupperware).

And living alone, when your car breaks down, you don’t have someone to pick you up. You can’t catch a ride.

You shop alone. You do most things alone.

On the other hand, there is no one to bother you when you’re writing. No one to complain about your music or it’s volume. No one who wants to watch something different on TV. No one to leave a mess. (Though, there is also no one to help you clean up messes.)

Sometimes I worry I’ll live alone for so long that I won’t know how to behave when I live with someone else. I’ll forget how to erase the line of “mine” and “yours” so it’s “ours.”

Sometimes I really want an “ours.”

The First Snow

We had our first real snow today. I think we had some flicks of snow earlier this month, but today it snowed on and off all day. So the ground is wet (but no where near whitening). So this is my first day of snow…

I love falling snow. The gentle drift of flurries, the strange “pounding” of a hard storm, I love them. I love standing in an open field in a storm so hard that all you see is white (and half stalks of corn from the harvest). I love looking up, watching the light flurry drift to my face and then vanish in my warmth. I even love it when a few flakes slip past your layers and brush your neck, giving you a burst of cold in your bundled clothes.

I love the contrast of evergreens (both real and not) on white and red bows. I love when the snow is new fallen and I go to the barn and the fields are white and the horses are standing out in it munching on the hay or playing their lips in the snow. I love, on days I don’t work (or didn’t have school) pulling on boots and jeans and a warm jacket and walking before the paths are plowed, as if no one thought to walk this way before. Because for that moment, I was the only one.

I love the little secrets that tell you snow is coming, like when it’s cold and then the next day, the air isn’t so bitter. And there isn’t frost on your windshield. And the taste in your mouth when you breath deep. The taste of a snowflake, almost.

I love, bundled in my black pea coat, watching the snow flakes catch there and not melt, just hold on as if to say, “Take me where you’re going.”

I love how snow can make you feel all alone in the world, and it’s okay to be that way.

And I love in the spring, when the crocus are first to bloom and we get another snow, but they still blast their little bits of color through the white.

And then the sun rises

Ah, days off from work are luxury!

While I bought it a month and a half ago, and swore I wouldn’t read it (but would instead listen to it), I’ve begun reading The Graveyard Book and am about half done. Hope to be mostly finished by tonight.

It’s sunny, and I’d like to think lovely, though obviously cold. I kind of want to go to the barn and treasure days like this, but I also have this exhaustion that seems never ending some days. I imagine it’ll only get worse the darker it gets, but I don’t really want to do anything physically demanding at the moment.

Drowning in words


So I have this crazy idea to drown myself in words. Because if I don’t think about being alone (not just single, but alone), because if I feel like I’m doing something that might be worth something, it makes up for other things. Other parts in my life where I’m failing.

I know it won’t, but at least it distracts me for a while. It distracts me from lying in bed naked, just running my fingers over my body to think about a lover’s touch. To think about what evokes chills down my spine and yearning in my heart (not my pants).

It distracts me from imperfections and failures and all that rotten bits that sit at the bottom of my feet, but sometimes gets shaken throughout my body.

And then older male workers hit on me and I really just want to say, “Thanks, but I like girls.” But I can’t lie and I hate hurting people. But it doesn’t really do anyone any good. And I am just completely confused.

Sometimes it kills me to see my best friends with their boyfriends/girlfriends and feel so…not. Not attractive, not a pair. They never make me feel like a fifth wheel, though sometimes I feel like a third. But that can’t really be helped, since I am.

I’ve been listening to alot of classical music, which helps me write, at least for now. I’ve been itchy, like somethings crawling up my spine and I need to do something before it gets to my brain, but I don’t know what, so I just need to do everything–preferably at once.

I hope to start The Graveyard Book tomorrow.

For now, I’ll just go insane.

The Grand Adventure

Because obviously I have more important things to be doing, so instead I post here.

First off, I’m thinking of starting to make some cafe press things, but I won’t do it until I get a fair number of ideas. Just thought I’d throw it out there.

And for what you really came here for: Last night.

I went to work yesterday, even though I was sick and slept poorly. I went in early, hoping to leave early for the city, since 76 traffic sucks. However, halfway through the day I was practically asleep at my desk and bored enough to not stay awake. I went home and slept. Futzed around until it was time to go and then did the long drive into the city (it actually only took no more than 1 hour 30 min, which isn’t bad, considering). Hung out with my friend until it was time to go, in which his other friend drove us to the TLA. Ignoring that they had no water pressure (and thus the bathrooms couldn’t flush), it’s a pretty spiffy place. Kaki King in concert is very different from Kaki King on CD, and I don’t know if I prefer one to the other (I normally prefer CD). She had more energy and tempo and such Live, but I think her music comes across better as heard on CD.

After she played, she signed autographs (I got my ticket signed), and then we listened to the other band that was playing, the Mountain Goats. I might look into them, but not eagerly. They weren’t bad, but I’ll have to see what they are like a bit more to pass judgment.

We headed “home” after a stop at the Dining Car (which, it seems, has the best French Onion Soup). Got back to my friend’s around 12, stayed up talking until 2, and then conked out. I was already sick and exhausted, so the next morning I was just more so. We hung out, then I headed home (halfway it started raining). Then I conked out again. Awoken by my brother, we talked for an hour or so, then I went grocery shopping, which was thrilling*. And here I am now, sick, exhausted, thinking of the pile of shyt** I need to get done.

And something feels wrong. I don’t know what it is, but this morning I felt something sad happened, and now I just feel like something is off. Not unbalanced, but unaligned. :/ I guess we’ll see.

*it really wasn’t
**I don’t know why I spell it like this, I always have since I’ve been on the Internet

empty

I have this growth on my neck…

I’m pretty sure it’s a pimple pretending to be a tumor.

I’m sick with a cold, or some other similar malady, and I have…many*…dishes to wash, and my bathroom really needs cleaned. So a real update will probably come later today, though how quickly today is passing (1 already..) I have no idea. I’m supposed to ride tomorrow morning and I really just don’t feel like it, what with the sick. But I should, so I will.

* an understatement

Neurotic to the bone

I didn’t want my last post to sound like I’m always depressed during this time of year. I’m just alot more depressed than normal during these long nights and cold, cold times.

However, I can still revel in the sunlight and the golden leaves that hang on the trees. And it’s moment like these, when I’m outside in the brisk autumn air surrounded by brilliant colors and the sun that I feel wonderful. So I treasure those.

On other, neurotic, topics, I’ve started reading the Twilight series. It’s one of those books that I’m becoming neurotic over, obsessive even. It’s not one of those books that is brilliant, takes my breath away and is life changing. But for some reason, the empath in me connects to them, and then I’m in and like some drug I can’t stop.

I was irritated all day because I was promised the third book and the person didn’t show and I realized I would have to wait another day. It’s like the shakes, it was terrible. And I’m reading through them as quickly as possible to make this feeling go away, because at the end there will hopefully be resolution, and this feeling in me can go away.

Other than that, I’m going to a concert on Friday, which should be fun, I hope. If anything, good company. More on that once I go.

Because I had all this energy last night from my addiction, and no drug to satisfy me, I wrote. I wrote a fair amount, nothing crazy. But by the time I finished I felt calm, like I had satisfied one craving with another, which was nice. And hopefully productive (cause the dishes sure as hell didn’t get done, and my clothes are all still in the pile where I left them).

I’m not really looking forward to today. Even if I get the book I’m supposed to, I’ll want to read it all day, and I can’t, I need to work. So I’ll rush home and read it, and then I’ll have to force myself to go to bed, which isn’t easy when I’m high on my drug. I’ll keep thinking “One more __.” I don’t have a crazy amount of work to do at work today either, which will make it worse because I’ll regret not taking off to read (even though if I take off then I can’t get the book, assuming the woman brings the book). Hopefully I’ll be given something to do that can distract me for 9 hours. I’m not sure if it’ll be worse to not have the book or to have the book and not be able to read it.

And I’ll shut up now, since I eventually have to get ready for work.

In which I exhaled

Today was confusing, as many days of life tend to be. Hopefully I’ll make it less confusing later. As it is, I won’t say more on the matter

When I got home (driving was nice and easy and relatively low stress, which was good because I had enough on my brain), I gobbled down chinese and played Paper Mario. I decided productivity was silly and instead would waste my life away doing meaningless things (that would be the video games, not the eating. eating is important).

So to make up for today’s unproductiveness (fun, but unproductive), tomorrow, when I get back from the barn, I’ll be writing (hopefully) and baking cookies.

The story will be about a woman who is happy, then betrayed, finds out about the betrayal, returns the world to balance (at least her part of it) and is happy, once again, for the moment.

Least that’s what I hope it’ll be about.

Fridays are woot-worthy

I don’t think I’ve ever been so happy for Friday. This week wasn’t terrible, it was just very long and not that great. But it’s been ending on a much better note than it started on, so that’s all I can ask for.

I know at my age I don’t need to know what I want to do with my life, but it’d be nice to have a clue about what I don’t want to do with my life. I think the only thing I’ve crossed off for certain is “garbage person.” Other than that, who knows.

My problem is that I want to do too much with life. I want to do a million things, and I can’t seem to concentrate on any of them sometimes.

And then there are weekends I can just throw myself into one effort and pull out a miracle. And I wonder why I couldn’t do it early and I had to wait to the 11th hour.

CONCENTRATE.